6:40am ... stayed up late last night, hoping I could wake up late today. Unfortunately, I woke up at 5:21am. I got up and decided to go to the local market because the kids were asking for fried chicken last night only to find out that they don't have any chickens available today. It's really disappointing. I just hope the trails of disappointing won't extend 'til the end of the day because I am already feeling the tears forming at the corner of my eye.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Para Comer Dolor
I tried to eat my way out of it. First, I tried to take my time during dinner with the kids, even volunteering to feed them instead of just preparing the food for them. When I was left alone, I decided to finish the rest of the food. It was still too much though ... say around a generous serving for 2 1/2 persons. I was trying to eat slowly. I thought I was just binging. By the second serving, I started thinking about what I was doing. I threw out the rest of the food and cleaned up. However, before I got to brush my teeth, I felt the urge to throw up. It wasn't binging ... I was going through depression, it was ... bulimia.
I gotta fight this off, for the sake of my children ... for my own sake. I need my life back ...
I gotta fight this off, for the sake of my children ... for my own sake. I need my life back ...
Quinto de Mayo (casi cinco)
I just finished folding the laundry and made sure everything was neat and clean. I'm not being obsessive compulsive here, I was just doing that to keep myself occupied. I'm not complaining, I know I sometimes wish for moments like this, I just couldn't stand doing nothing.
My kids are grown enough to demand their own space. Once they get glued on their video games or the TV, I'm all alone. I need an intellectual conversation. I can't be talking about Super Mario and Boser all the time. I need an adult conversation.
I know that if others would read this, they would think that I'm crazy, unappreciative ... I'm not. The depression is creeping on me and I don't know how to fight it back. If I were in Makati right now, I would've gone out of the house, gotten into a cab and headed straight to Powerbooks or something but I am a hundred miles away from Makati. The only useful mall around here is SM and it is overpopulated by a bunch of school kids who are trying to be hip and chic. Puhleezzz!!!!
It's already 5 pm, James should be out by now. If I were in Makati, I'd be busying myself by now, preparing our meal for dinner, expecting him to be home in an hour's time. But this is Cavite and it would be impractical for him to go here everyday.
You see, this is why I am whining. I am here with no friends, just enough money to tide me through the week, nobody to talk to but my kids ... you can actually say that I am slowly losing my life right now.
5:04pm ... I'm about to close this blog but I still don't have any idea what I'm gonna do later. Oh well ....
My kids are grown enough to demand their own space. Once they get glued on their video games or the TV, I'm all alone. I need an intellectual conversation. I can't be talking about Super Mario and Boser all the time. I need an adult conversation.
I know that if others would read this, they would think that I'm crazy, unappreciative ... I'm not. The depression is creeping on me and I don't know how to fight it back. If I were in Makati right now, I would've gone out of the house, gotten into a cab and headed straight to Powerbooks or something but I am a hundred miles away from Makati. The only useful mall around here is SM and it is overpopulated by a bunch of school kids who are trying to be hip and chic. Puhleezzz!!!!
It's already 5 pm, James should be out by now. If I were in Makati, I'd be busying myself by now, preparing our meal for dinner, expecting him to be home in an hour's time. But this is Cavite and it would be impractical for him to go here everyday.
You see, this is why I am whining. I am here with no friends, just enough money to tide me through the week, nobody to talk to but my kids ... you can actually say that I am slowly losing my life right now.
5:04pm ... I'm about to close this blog but I still don't have any idea what I'm gonna do later. Oh well ....
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Quinto de Mayo
Summer's almost done and I'm not really thrilled about it. For one, this is not how I wanna spend my summer. A couple of months ago I was planning summer with a trip to Baguio and maybe go to a resort like Club Manila East.
But all these have changed when my mom came home for a vacation. I didn't know that she had plans of renovating the house in Cavite and so I became sort of her foreman/interior decorator. I thought the whole renovation would take around 2 weeks but it took us longer than expected. In 3 weeks, we only got to finish the second floor. It did turn out to be nice but now I am left jobless, most likely houseless and stuck with looking after the kids.
Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom but this was not how I pictured it. Let's go down to the list:First, I want a house... CHECK! Well it's not really my house but my mom's abroad for another year so it's technically our house right now. Second, I want all the amenities ... CHECK! Currently, the house has cable, air conditioned room, a phone, and even an internet connection. Third, I wanna be able to look after the kids ... CHECK! The kids are here for two reasons. One, cause they're on vacation and the heat would be killing them without an aircon. Two, because no one's available to look after them.
SO WHAT'S MISSING??? Well for one, my husband's not here and couldn't be home everyday because we're in Cavite. That's the second thing. Being in Cavite meant less interaction with friends and less social life. So, lately I am already feeling the drag of being here. Having all the amenities doesn't even help. When the net was first installed, I was on it for more than 12 hours. But it doesn't feel that exciting anymore.
I miss the interaction with adult people. Neighbors out here are friendly but we don't have anything in common since most of them are stay at home mom's who are contented with the slow motion life in Cavite, contented with local channels on TV. It may sound materialistic but this is how I really feel. Sometimes, I wish I could just go out, smoke some cigarettes while drinking coffee. INTERACTION!!!
Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom but this was not how I pictured it. Let's go down to the list:First, I want a house... CHECK! Well it's not really my house but my mom's abroad for another year so it's technically our house right now. Second, I want all the amenities ... CHECK! Currently, the house has cable, air conditioned room, a phone, and even an internet connection. Third, I wanna be able to look after the kids ... CHECK! The kids are here for two reasons. One, cause they're on vacation and the heat would be killing them without an aircon. Two, because no one's available to look after them.
SO WHAT'S MISSING??? Well for one, my husband's not here and couldn't be home everyday because we're in Cavite. That's the second thing. Being in Cavite meant less interaction with friends and less social life. So, lately I am already feeling the drag of being here. Having all the amenities doesn't even help. When the net was first installed, I was on it for more than 12 hours. But it doesn't feel that exciting anymore.
I miss the interaction with adult people. Neighbors out here are friendly but we don't have anything in common since most of them are stay at home mom's who are contented with the slow motion life in Cavite, contented with local channels on TV. It may sound materialistic but this is how I really feel. Sometimes, I wish I could just go out, smoke some cigarettes while drinking coffee. INTERACTION!!!
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