infidelidad

i've been a victim before and although things are doing fine right now, i still wonder how things could have led to that point and how i could protect myself against it. i don't know if it's a disease that's incurable but i can feel it creeping in my skin, making me uneasy and full of anxiety whenever i think about it.

tonight, the disease has gotten stronger. i started wondering, if what has happened before was just a phase that can be forgotten, or a warning, like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. should i be more cautious, more prepared with what's gonna happen next?

i was once told by a friend that infidelity is a sign of discontent. that he cheated on me because he was not satisfied with me. which brings me to another question ... so is this my fault or his? of course, pride would make me deny that it was my fault, and of course, his ego would cause him to deny that it was his. so how can i get a fair judgment?

is infidelity hereditary? do you do it because your family has done it too? my dad had his second wife when i was 10. i was told that he kept it from my mom for quite awhile but when i got to talk to my dad, he told me that it was long over between him and my mom when he decided to fall with someone else. his explanation got stuck in my mind ... and to this day, i had made a vow that regardless how hard it gets, separation will never be an option and infidelity will never be my way out of marriage. but how long should i fight for it? how far do i have to go to keep this working?

right now, the water is calm, there is no current testing our marriage but if it does happen again, i suppose that would be my last fight. as i've mentioned before, i am tired of fighting for something that keeps slipping away from me. i'm still not ready to cross the bridge when it happens but i feel like what i've done in the past is enough to damage for me. i couldn't, wouldn't allow myself to be trampled.

i know i sound anxious. i am ...

only in my dreams

i still dream about my wedding. i know it may sound selfish having two grown up kids and not being able to cope with the expenses... but i can still dream

in my wedding, i'd be wearing an ecru halter, bare back, with small beads from the chest to the waist. the skirt will be a-line but silk. i want my veil to be simple, a small ring of flowers on top. my hair will be flowing, with little curls on the end.

at the church, different music will be played besides the traditional bridal march. while exchanging vows, i want a solo pianist to play ennio moriccone's piano solo from the movie love affair. as the candles, the veil and the cord are placed on us, i want my tita ellen to sing "one hand one heart". and during communion, i want to hear "the prayer" to bless our wedding.

after the wedding ceremony, while pictures are being taken at the altar, i want several songs to be played... the male version of "how did you know", anita baker's "i love you just because" and of course, our song "of all the things".

the reception will be simple, preferably in a garden. i want all our close friends to say something during the celebration. i want music from "dying young" soundtrack playing in the background.

i want to sing my husband a song, "all of my life" as a gift for him. i want bubbles floating at the reception area.

simple but would definitely mean a lot to me....

un día a la vez un día a la vez

booze, music, and yosi ... 3 things that made me forget that i was in a foreign land, away from my family last night. i guess that's what i needed, temporarily. i am not a hypocrite, i miss my family but as what was agreed last night, this will be my temporary family. it help me ease the pain of not being able to take care of other people. i am the nurturing kind of person, i like taking care of others but if i wouldn't be given the opportunity to do that to my real family, then i might as well take care of other people who are willing to be taken cared of.

i tried, i swear, for so many times, i have hinted that i don't wanna be alone anymore. he just shrugs it off. i just have to find a way to get rid of the crying...

anhelo de mi familia

alone again.... kakain mag-isa, matutulog mag-isa, gigising, magluluto, manonood ng tv ng tv. another day ng walang kausap kundi sarili. it's not easy, i've been doing this for 2 years now. dapat ngayon sanay na ko pero hindi pa rin. sometimes, i feel insane talking to myself or talking as if there's someone with me.

a lot of people would tell me na masuerte ako, na un ung buhay na hinahanap nila. oo madali, you don't have to worry about other people. kahit na french fries lang ang dinner mo, okay na. pero at night, ung patulog ka na... ung wala ka nang naririnig kundi ung hum ng gabi ... that's when the loneliness hurts the most. sometimes, i'd wake up in the middle of the night and start to cry. kahit naman siguro maubos ung luha sa mata ko, walang mangyayari but i still do it, just to put me back to sleep.

now tell me, is this the kind of life you want? i dunno for how long i'm gonna do this. sana it won't take forever. i once asked james about his childhood fear that he never got to outgrow. he said it was his fear of drowning. when he asked me what my fear was, i just told him it was shadows but i lied. my biggest fear would be living alone. when i was a kid, i would imagine myself growing old, living in the streets alone and would start to cry. sabi ko non, when i got married, that fear would never happen pero as the days go by, parang tuluyan na syang mangyayari.

a marriage has to be built to stand the test of time. it has to make each being strong, stronger than they've known they can be. i can't say the same for my marriage. we have already withstood the test of times. some of the trials we've gone through are not the easiest to swallow. what pains me is when i enter into a bad situation and i am expected to fight by myself. i am not a hypocrite, i do make mistakes .... sometimes it seems like i make more mistakes than right ones. i always thought i could go through these mistakes in a breeze because my husband is there to support me. i was wrong.

today,i've proven myself wrong. i know that it was my fault from the start but to be left alone to deal with this is something i can't do. i am not that strong. i thought my husband would help me get through this. i was wrong.

i am afraid to believe it but it does seem that he only loves me because he needs me. since i've got nothing to offer at this point, i was left alone to fight this battle. whatever's gonna happen to me today is uncertain but i know for sure that i will never ever believe in him anymore. i am not that strong, but i am brave enough to stand up on my own again.

Sexto de Mayo

6:40am ... stayed up late last night, hoping I could wake up late today. Unfortunately, I woke up at 5:21am. I got up and decided to go to the local market because the kids were asking for fried chicken last night only to find out that they don't have any chickens available today. It's really disappointing. I just hope the trails of disappointing won't extend 'til the end of the day because I am already feeling the tears forming at the corner of my eye.

Para Comer Dolor

I tried to eat my way out of it. First, I tried to take my time during dinner with the kids, even volunteering to feed them instead of just preparing the food for them. When I was left alone, I decided to finish the rest of the food. It was still too much though ... say around a generous serving for 2 1/2 persons. I was trying to eat slowly. I thought I was just binging. By the second serving, I started thinking about what I was doing. I threw out the rest of the food and cleaned up. However, before I got to brush my teeth, I felt the urge to throw up. It wasn't binging ... I was going through depression, it was ... bulimia.

I gotta fight this off, for the sake of my children ... for my own sake. I need my life back ...

Quinto de Mayo (casi cinco)

I just finished folding the laundry and made sure everything was neat and clean. I'm not being obsessive compulsive here, I was just doing that to keep myself occupied. I'm not complaining, I know I sometimes wish for moments like this, I just couldn't stand doing nothing.

My kids are grown enough to demand their own space. Once they get glued on their video games or the TV, I'm all alone. I need an intellectual conversation. I can't be talking about Super Mario and Boser all the time. I need an adult conversation.

I know that if others would read this, they would think that I'm crazy, unappreciative ... I'm not. The depression is creeping on me and I don't know how to fight it back. If I were in Makati right now, I would've gone out of the house, gotten into a cab and headed straight to Powerbooks or something but I am a hundred miles away from Makati. The only useful mall around here is SM and it is overpopulated by a bunch of school kids who are trying to be hip and chic. Puhleezzz!!!!

It's already 5 pm, James should be out by now. If I were in Makati, I'd be busying myself by now, preparing our meal for dinner, expecting him to be home in an hour's time. But this is Cavite and it would be impractical for him to go here everyday.

You see, this is why I am whining. I am here with no friends, just enough money to tide me through the week, nobody to talk to but my kids ... you can actually say that I am slowly losing my life right now.

5:04pm ... I'm about to close this blog but I still don't have any idea what I'm gonna do later. Oh well ....

Quinto de Mayo

Summer's almost done and I'm not really thrilled about it. For one, this is not how I wanna spend my summer. A couple of months ago I was planning summer with a trip to Baguio and maybe go to a resort like Club Manila East.

But all these have changed when my mom came home for a vacation. I didn't know that she had plans of renovating the house in Cavite and so I became sort of her foreman/interior decorator. I thought the whole renovation would take around 2 weeks but it took us longer than expected. In 3 weeks, we only got to finish the second floor. It did turn out to be nice but now I am left jobless, most likely houseless and stuck with looking after the kids.

Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom but this was not how I pictured it. Let's go down to the list:First, I want a house... CHECK! Well it's not really my house but my mom's abroad for another year so it's technically our house right now. Second, I want all the amenities ... CHECK! Currently, the house has cable, air conditioned room, a phone, and even an internet connection. Third, I wanna be able to look after the kids ... CHECK! The kids are here for two reasons. One, cause they're on vacation and the heat would be killing them without an aircon. Two, because no one's available to look after them.

SO WHAT'S MISSING??? Well for one, my husband's not here and couldn't be home everyday because we're in Cavite. That's the second thing. Being in Cavite meant less interaction with friends and less social life. So, lately I am already feeling the drag of being here. Having all the amenities doesn't even help. When the net was first installed, I was on it for more than 12 hours. But it doesn't feel that exciting anymore.

I miss the interaction with adult people. Neighbors out here are friendly but we don't have anything in common since most of them are stay at home mom's who are contented with the slow motion life in Cavite, contented with local channels on TV. It may sound materialistic but this is how I really feel. Sometimes, I wish I could just go out, smoke some cigarettes while drinking coffee. INTERACTION!!!