alone again.... kakain mag-isa, matutulog mag-isa, gigising, magluluto, manonood ng tv ng tv. another day ng walang kausap kundi sarili. it's not easy, i've been doing this for 2 years now. dapat ngayon sanay na ko pero hindi pa rin. sometimes, i feel insane talking to myself or talking as if there's someone with me.
a lot of people would tell me na masuerte ako, na un ung buhay na hinahanap nila. oo madali, you don't have to worry about other people. kahit na french fries lang ang dinner mo, okay na. pero at night, ung patulog ka na... ung wala ka nang naririnig kundi ung hum ng gabi ... that's when the loneliness hurts the most. sometimes, i'd wake up in the middle of the night and start to cry. kahit naman siguro maubos ung luha sa mata ko, walang mangyayari but i still do it, just to put me back to sleep.
now tell me, is this the kind of life you want? i dunno for how long i'm gonna do this. sana it won't take forever. i once asked james about his childhood fear that he never got to outgrow. he said it was his fear of drowning. when he asked me what my fear was, i just told him it was shadows but i lied. my biggest fear would be living alone. when i was a kid, i would imagine myself growing old, living in the streets alone and would start to cry. sabi ko non, when i got married, that fear would never happen pero as the days go by, parang tuluyan na syang mangyayari.
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