un día a la vez un día a la vez

booze, music, and yosi ... 3 things that made me forget that i was in a foreign land, away from my family last night. i guess that's what i needed, temporarily. i am not a hypocrite, i miss my family but as what was agreed last night, this will be my temporary family. it help me ease the pain of not being able to take care of other people. i am the nurturing kind of person, i like taking care of others but if i wouldn't be given the opportunity to do that to my real family, then i might as well take care of other people who are willing to be taken cared of.

i tried, i swear, for so many times, i have hinted that i don't wanna be alone anymore. he just shrugs it off. i just have to find a way to get rid of the crying...

anhelo de mi familia

alone again.... kakain mag-isa, matutulog mag-isa, gigising, magluluto, manonood ng tv ng tv. another day ng walang kausap kundi sarili. it's not easy, i've been doing this for 2 years now. dapat ngayon sanay na ko pero hindi pa rin. sometimes, i feel insane talking to myself or talking as if there's someone with me.

a lot of people would tell me na masuerte ako, na un ung buhay na hinahanap nila. oo madali, you don't have to worry about other people. kahit na french fries lang ang dinner mo, okay na. pero at night, ung patulog ka na... ung wala ka nang naririnig kundi ung hum ng gabi ... that's when the loneliness hurts the most. sometimes, i'd wake up in the middle of the night and start to cry. kahit naman siguro maubos ung luha sa mata ko, walang mangyayari but i still do it, just to put me back to sleep.

now tell me, is this the kind of life you want? i dunno for how long i'm gonna do this. sana it won't take forever. i once asked james about his childhood fear that he never got to outgrow. he said it was his fear of drowning. when he asked me what my fear was, i just told him it was shadows but i lied. my biggest fear would be living alone. when i was a kid, i would imagine myself growing old, living in the streets alone and would start to cry. sabi ko non, when i got married, that fear would never happen pero as the days go by, parang tuluyan na syang mangyayari.

a marriage has to be built to stand the test of time. it has to make each being strong, stronger than they've known they can be. i can't say the same for my marriage. we have already withstood the test of times. some of the trials we've gone through are not the easiest to swallow. what pains me is when i enter into a bad situation and i am expected to fight by myself. i am not a hypocrite, i do make mistakes .... sometimes it seems like i make more mistakes than right ones. i always thought i could go through these mistakes in a breeze because my husband is there to support me. i was wrong.

today,i've proven myself wrong. i know that it was my fault from the start but to be left alone to deal with this is something i can't do. i am not that strong. i thought my husband would help me get through this. i was wrong.

i am afraid to believe it but it does seem that he only loves me because he needs me. since i've got nothing to offer at this point, i was left alone to fight this battle. whatever's gonna happen to me today is uncertain but i know for sure that i will never ever believe in him anymore. i am not that strong, but i am brave enough to stand up on my own again.